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Fact Checking Department (excerpt)
He put the folder, cash box, and candle on a small table, took a deep breath, then opened the box.
It contained a thick stick of chalk, a cigarette lighter, a scroll, a tiny candle, and a complicated little metal cage with a padlock and a key.
The table held a box containing more candles—these ones plain white supermarket sticks of wax.
It took him an hour to prepare properly. He ran down a check list that extended to three pages. Then he carefully checked the runes for a fifth time.
Yes, everything was correct.
He checked the folder. That looked like the entire short-list.
Yes, yes, everything seemed to be in order.
He couldn’t put it off any longer.
He lit the regular candles. He stripped, so he was entirely naked. He buckled the chastity cage over his cock and balls. He sat cross-legged in the circle, closed his eyes, then intoned the 16 barely pronounceable, completely unspellable syllables.
It was a little while before anything happened.
He felt sweat spring out all over his body before he heard her voice slither into his ear, slide around his skull a couple of times, then tickle its way down his torso.
“Mmm, hello lover boy. Are we going to have some fun?”
He had to swallow several times before replying. His cock was already straining painfully at its restriction. “I have summoned you, oh Veshoulieres...”
“Yes, yes, I know that, I’m here now. Let’s skip straight to the part where you unlock that naughty little thing on...”
“I have summoned you, oh Veshoulieres!” he gabbled, sweat bursting out on his forehead, desperate to avoid her saying the word “cock” or any of its synonyms.
“You’re no fun when you’re on the clock, you know that, don’t you?”
There was such tragic disappointment in her voice he wanted to cry. He wanted to fling himself on her mercy and on...
The part of his brain that was still functioning correctly hurled itself on that line of thought like a bodyguard on top of a grenade.
“I conjure and command thee...”
“Take your time.”
He choked again. Every word she uttered, no matter how banal, twisted his guts in knots. The metal cage over his cock was the only thing letting him retain any sort of self control. His nipples were like pencil erasers. He had known women who never got such erect nipples. He felt as though sex was being done to the individual cells of his body, and they were all rebelling and refusing to accept his casting vote.
“I conjure and command thee to do our bidding under the covenant agreed to...”
“I know this bit, I’ve heard it all before, you know.”
He desperately plunged on, the world swimming in front of his eyes. “... between yourself and my founding editor at this place. I have your seal and sign upon it.”
“Yes, alright,” she snapped as he finished the terms of the summoning. “What is it?”